DOUGH BOYS – director: Nicholas Harvell; starring: Arlen Escarpeta, Wood Harris, Cory Hardict, Mo, Lorenzo Eduardo, Sticky Fingaz

There is part of me that would like to think that if I had never seen Menace II Society, or Juice, or Boyz ‘n the ‘Hood, or any of the other urban dysfunctional dramas that have come out over the years, that I might think Dough Boys was a halfway decent film. But the truth is that even if I had never seen these other films—and I have, so pretending I haven’t is pointless—it doesn’t change the fact that Dough Boys isn’t a very good movie. Now, I don’t want to be overly negative, but at the same time, if I were to adhere to the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” school of film criticism, this review would end right here. (more…)

THE DEVIL’S TOMB – director: Jason Connery; starring: Cuba Gooding Jr., Taryn Manning, Henry Rollins, Ron Perlman

There is something about Cuba Gooding Jr. that just gets on my last nerve. Maybe it’s the shameless way he prances around and hams it up in insipid comedies. Or maybe it’s the way he strikes that stoic, misty-eyed pose in ham-fisted melodramas. Whatever it is, there is something about Gooding that really bothers me, and with the exception of maybe two films, I’ve never seen him in anything where I liked his acting. But no matter how much I may not like his acting—and I really don’t like his acting—the one “positive” thing I can say about Gooding is that he puts something into every performance (crappy though it may be). At least that was the one thing I could say until I saw The Devil’s Tomb, in which Gooding appears to put so little effort into his “performance” that it seems more like he accidentally wandered on to a set of a movie after having awakened from a week-long coma. (more…)

MAX PAYNE - director: John Moore; Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Beau Bridges, Ludacris, Donal Logue

It is mind boggling and just down right impossible to believe that anyone could have read the screenplay for Max Payne and thought it was good. And even if, for the sake of argument, there was a draft of the script that wasn’t a poorly written jumbled mess of confusing clichés and hackneyed storytelling, it is pretty obvious that that version was not the one used to make Max Payne. The script used for the version of Max Payne that stunk up theaters last year, and is now stinking up DVD shelves, is bad. Really bad. Really f***ing bad. Which raises the very valid question of who read this steaming pile of fetid crap and thought it was worth making into a movie? (more…)

WANTED – director: Timur Bekmambetov; starring: James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman

For the record, just so there is no misunderstanding whatsoever, I don’t have a problem with over-the-top action films that deliver excessive violence while shortchanging the audience on anything that even resembles intelligence. In fact, I really like those movies, as evidenced by my fondness for the first Transporter, Shoot ‘Em Up and a whole host of other flicks that go heavy with the action, but exceptionally light on the brains. But even I have my limits, and have found myself throwing my hands up in frustration when something is simply too stupid. Yes, I know, these movies are supposed to be fun. But sometimes these movies aren’t fun. Sometimes they are painful experiences that fail to entertain, while managing to infuriate and rob you of the precious moments you spent watching this insipid bullshit. And that’s what Wanted is. (more…)

THE PERFECT HOLIDAY – director: Lance Rivera; starring: Morris Chestnut, Gabrielle Union, Faizon Love, Charlie Murphy, Katt Williams, Queen Latifah, Terrence Howard

There is an undeniable disparity between mainstream films (those films produced for a largely white audience), and those movies produced primarily for an African-American audience. That’s not to say that mainstream movies aren’t insipidly insulting the intelligence of the audience, because Hollywood certainly cranks out more than its fair share of stupid shit. But for every moronic movie catered to a mainstream audience, there are intelligent films to counterbalance the dumb garbage. In terms of holiday fare, for every The Santa Clause 3 there are films like It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street and Die Hard. But when it comes to lighthearted holiday fare targeted towards a black audience, for every steaming turd like The Perfect Holiday you have absolutely nothing. (more…)

CONFESSIONS OF A PIT FIGHTER – director: Art Camacho; starring: Armand Assante, James Russo, Flavor Flav, Hector Echavarria

There are some movies, when you watch them, you can’t help but feel you’ve seen them before. That’s because these particular movies are hackneyed jumbles of tired clichés and predictable stories that have already been told time and time again. Once in a while these films manage to at the very least be mildly entertaining, even if it’s in a so-bad-it-is-good kind of way. But when a film doesn’t even manage to be that—when it is entirely predictable and equally engaging—then you’re saddled with something that may not exactly be crap, but by the same measure isn’t close to be good. And that’s what you have with Confessions of a Pit Fighter. (more…)

VICE - director: Raul Sanchez Inglis; Starring: Michael Madsen, Daryl Hannah, Mykelti Williamson, Mark Boone Junior

It takes the culmination of many factors to make a truly great movie, but it only takes one thing to make a truly bad movie. That one thing, of course, is the script. If a script is bad, there is no chance at all—as in none—that a movie will ever be any good. It doesn’t matter if the cast is good, the direction competent, the cinematography and the editing all up to par, if the script sucks, so too shall the film itself. And that’s the problem with Vice. (more…)

LAKEVIEW TERRACE – director: Neil LaBute; starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Patrick Wilson, Kerry Washington

With a total runtime of 110 minutes, Lakeview Terrace is the sort of excruciatingly bad movie that becomes both physically and mentally painful to endure. I’m sure you’ve all experienced something like it before, where every minute seems like two minutes. Well, with Lakeview Terrace, every minute seems more like two and a half minutes, which makes sitting through this craptacular garbage feel like over four hours of torture. (more…)

DEATH RACE – director: Paul W.S. Anderson; starring: Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson, Joan Allen

The original Death Race 2000, produced by B-movie mogul Roger Corman and directed by Paul Bartel, was a brilliant bit of subversive schlock entertainment. An action-packed mix of pitch-black satire and dystopian science fiction, the film was set in the future, during a deadly cross-country race where drivers earn points for killing pedestrians. David Carradine starred as Frankenstein, the most popular driver in Death Race, and a covert agent in the rebellion determined to topple the totalitarian government. And though the film was a low-budget bit of exploitation cinema, thanks to its wicked sense of humor and scathing look at the media and society’s obsession with violence, it amounted to something more, eventually earning its place as a genuine cult classic. The same, however, cannot be said for Death Race, a re-imagining of the original film that assaults both intelligence and the senses with equal disregard, and seems destined to be nothing more than forgettable and bad. (more…)

THE SCORPION KING 2: RISE OF A WARRIOR – director: Russell Mulcahy; starring: Michael Copon, Karen David, Simon Quarterman, Randy Couture

When you really think about it (and in fact, you don’t even really need to think about it), The Scorpion King was not exactly what you would call a “good” movie. Sure, it was the first starring role for professional wrestler The Rock; but even the most electrifying man in sports entertainment could not save what amounted to a dopey script that was transformed into an equally inane film. But despite the questionable cinematic quality of The Scorpion King, it made money at the box office and on home video. And that, of course, was more than enough reason for someone in Hollywood to decide it would be a good idea to make The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior, a direct-to-video prequel. (more…)